Why you don't need a bigger penis - explained by a sex therapist

So I often receive emails from publicists wanting to book guests on my podcast to discuss their penis enlargement techniques. And it got me thinking about my values as a sexologist. Here’s what I’ve concluded: I never want anybody to feel like they need to change their body. Body image issues are massive in Western society. We’re constantly bombarded on social media with ideals of perfect bodies, whatever that even means. It seems like there’s always something we want to change, and penises are no different. I don’t know a man who hasn’t wanted a bigger penis at some point.

If you follow my podcast or read my content, you’ll know I use the terms penis owner and vulva owner. This is inclusive language that focuses on bodies, not gender. When I say “men”, I mean the experiences of men as we commonly understand them.

Why Do So Many Men Want a Bigger Penis?

Research shows that around 45% of men want a bigger penis. But here’s the kicker, most of these penis owners actually have an average-sized penis. So why the desire? Porn has conditioned many to think bigger is better. Society reinforces this too: jokes, songs, and cultural messages all tell men that their penis isn’t enough.

It’s also important to know that average penis size varies around the world. For example:

• America: 5.6 inches erect

• Australia: 5.7 inches

• Korea: 4.25 inches

• Sudan: 7 inches

That’s just length; we’re not even talking about girth, which can be just as important to individuals. Porn actors make up a tiny portion of the population, and what you see in porn is acting, not realistic sex.

Stop Centring Sex Around Your Penis

One of the biggest issues I see in clients is penis owners centring sex entirely around penetration. Many assume that being erect and able to penetrate for a long time is the key to sexual success. But this is a problem for a few reasons:

• Penetrative sex isn’t everyone’s favourite. Talk to your partner and ask what their favourite parts of sex are. You might be surprised that they enjoy other sexual acts more.

• If you have sex with women, only about 18% of women orgasm through penetration alone.

• Pleasure isn’t about size. The most sensitive part of the penis is the head, which contains the highest concentration of nerve endings. If that part is stimulated, the rest doesn’t really matter.

The reality is, there are so many ways to be sexual and experience pleasure beyond penetration. By the time most men hit middle age, they’ll experience some form of erectile difficulty, so it’s a good idea to start broadening your sexual scripts now.

Explore Your Whole Body

Your body is full of potential erogenous zones. Some common ones include:

• Armpits

• Ears

• Nipples

• Neck

• Mouth

• Wrists

• Inner thighs

• Feet

• Behind the knees

• Belly button and lower abdomen

And honestly, anywhere that feels good to you. When was the last time you stopped and explored pleasure in your body?

How to Pleasure Map

Pleasure mapping is a way to explore what feels good on your body. You can do this solo or with a partner. Here’s how:

1. Prepare: Set aside uninterrupted time—at least 30 minutes.

2. Gather tools: A mirror, notebook and pen, sex toys, lubricants, lingerie, soft fabrics, sheets, moisturiser, and essential oils.

3. Build a sexual context: Seduce yourself as you might a partner—take a bath, moisturise, listen to music, eat something special.

4. Explore: Identify your primary erogenous zones and stimulate them. Vary pace, pressure, and rhythm.

5. Ask yourself: “Do I enjoy this? Does this feel good?”

6. Take notes: What feels good, what doesn’t, and any thoughts or body image concerns that arise.

You can also use a yes-no-maybe list to explore sexual acts you want to try. I have one on my website that you can download and incorporate into sex.

Improve Your Penis Body Image

If you’re struggling with penis body image, there are some practical steps:

• Watch realistic porn: Look for content with penis sizes similar to yours. Companies like Erika Lust focus on more realistic portrayals of sex.

• Notice your thoughts: When appearance-based thoughts pop up, label them as “just thoughts” and redirect your focus elsewhere. This is a simple mindfulness technique.

• Challenge your body image holistically: It’s not just about your penis—how do you feel about your whole body? A body image therapist can help you navigate these feelings.

  
  

Key Takeaways - you don't need a bigger penis

• You don’t need a bigger penis to give or receive pleasure.

• Stop centring sex around penetration; explore your body and your partner’s body.

• Reframe your mindset and broaden your sexual scripts; it’s liberating and will improve your sexual experiences.