So your libido is different to your partner's? Sex therapist shares what to do next.

Let’s talk libido, also known as your sex drive. Libido is basically someone’s overall desire for sex. It’s affected by a bunch of factors: your brain chemistry, your environment, stress levels, and even how you respond to sexual stimulation.

Understanding Changes in Libido

First, ask yourself: have your libidos always been different, or is this a recent change? If it’s recent, has something in your life shifted? Maybe a new job, a baby, or other stressful events? Is it you who’s lost desire, or your partner? Can you pinpoint why? Are you feeling insecure about your body, annoyed at your partner, or just less interested in sex in general?

It’s important to note: it’s not always the person with the lower libido who needs to “fix” their sex drive. Sometimes the person with the higher libido may need to find ways to release sexual energy that don’t put pressure on their partner. A higher sex drive isn’t automatically a healthier one.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Understanding whether you or your partner have a spontaneous or responsive desire can help you connect sexually.

• Spontaneous desire: You get turned on easily, think about sex often, and arousal happens naturally. You have a thought about sex, and then your body responds with arousal.

• Responsive desire: You need the right conditions to feel turned on. This could mean feeling relaxed, not stressed, being seduced slowly, or having a partner engage in acts that really excite you. This experience of desire requires your body to become physiologically aroused, and then your mind experiences desire. You can think of this like your friend inviting you to a party. It gets to the night of, and you can't be bothered going. You're tired, have lots to do and can't be bothered driving there. You decide to go and have a great time, you think, I need to do this more! This is a responsive desire.

Knowing this difference can help both partners feel seen and understood.

Strategies to Balance Differing Libidos

1. Schedule Sex

I know, scheduling sex sounds super unsexy. But hear me out, it can actually increase intimacy and anticipation. Plan a sexy date night, send flirty texts throughout the day, light candles, set a mood that feels erotic. By consciously taking time for sex, you can explore each other’s bodies more slowly and fully, instead of rushing through spontaneous encounters.

2. Compromise in Other Ways

If one partner has a higher libido, there are ways to release sexual energy without pressuring the other:

• Masturbate more or in new ways

• Try sex that’s less about penetration, like oral sex or toys

• Take showers together or give each other massages

• Create an environment that naturally triggers sexual desire

3. Adjust Timing

Sometimes it’s all about timing. If you’re too tired or stressed at night, consider mornings or weekends. Experiment to find what works for both of you.

4. Explore Non-Sexual Intimacy

Sexual connection isn’t only about intercourse. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, or other forms of intimacy can help partners feel close and connected while respecting differences in libido.

5. Keep an Open Dialogue

Libido differences aren’t static, they can change over time. Check in with each other regularly, be honest about your desires, and adjust strategies as needed. Open communication and empathy are the keys to navigating this.