How to Surprise Your Partner in Bed

So you’re thinking, “What new thing can I do in bed that will actually impress my partner?” I mean, we all know the usual: intercourse, oral sex, maybe some hands stuff. But apart from that, what can you do that’ll make them go “wow”?

Honestly, the first thing I’d do to impress someone is ask them what they want. But, and this is important, do it in a way that’s hot, confident, and engaging. Because here’s the thing: if I just say “do this amazing act,” one person may love it and the next may hate it. Surprising someone with skills can be great, but giving them exactly what they want? That’s next-level sexy.

Asking “What Do You Want?” the Right Way

Here’s the tricky part. When you ask your partner what they like in bed, how they want to be pleasured, or what positions they want to try, you might find the response is: I don't know?? Frustrating, right? But also totally understandable. Maybe they’ve never thought about it, or maybe the pressure of answering in the moment makes them blank out or maybe they don't feel comfortable sharing, or the question is just too big.

The best time to ask isn’t always in the bedroom. Try it over a glass of wine, on a date night, or during a relaxed moment. Even for a one-night stand, you can still ask before things heat up. And you need your own answer too, what turns you on, what you want to try. That way, the conversation isn’t one-sided.

If it’s a partner you see more than once, asking outside the bedroom is crucial. During sex, people can feel vulnerable and exposed, and may not feel safe to articulate their desires. Taking the conversation outside the heat of the moment removes that pressure.

Take Initiative

Plan a time to explore each other’s desires. Bring tools to guide the conversation. One thing I love is using a yes, no, maybe list, like the one I have on my website. It lists all kinds of acts: from the most common acts to the kinky. Your partner can answer yes, maybe, or no, and indicate whether they want to give or receive that act.

If they say yes to something, ask them how they like it. Someone may enjoy being spanked, but everyone experiences that differently. Encourage them to show you, explore together, and get into the details.

Other Ways to Spark Ideas

• Card games: There are some amazing sexual question decks for couples. My favourite is Curiosity Cues by VUSH. Great for sparking conversation about kinks, desires, and fantasies that don’t feel pressure-filled. A free app is the Gottman Card Deck.

  
  

• Watch porn together: This can turn you both on and give ideas for positions, toys, dirty talk, or kinks you want to try. Just remember, porn is acting. Consent, boundaries, lube, and condoms are often left out. Use it as inspiration, not a blueprint. Watch ethical porn like films by Erika Lust if you can.

  
  

Slow down, and when you think you have slowed down, slow down some more

If I had one tip to blow someone’s mind? Slow down. Hard and fast has its place, but slow, teasing, arousing sex is next-level. Build anticipation. Especially for vulva owners, a fun fact, they can take 20 to 40 minutes to become fully aroused. Your “magic trick” is to turn them on completely, not just perform one act.

Arousal isn’t just in the bedroom. Send a hot text, put your hand on their waist or thigh, kiss their neck. Foreplay begins from the last time you had sex with that person.

Keep Them Present

With slower play, your partner may not be used to all the attention on them. A sexy, reassuring thing to say:

• “Every time your mind wanders, bring your attention to how this feels.”

• “Take all the time you need to orgasm.”

• “Enjoy this pleasure, there’s no rush. I want to focus on you.”

These phrases help them stay in their body and enjoy the experience fully.

So no, I didn’t just give you a single act to blow someone’s mind, but as a sexologist, I couldn’t. Every person experiences pleasure differently. The most impressive thing you can do is explore, communicate, and meet your partner exactly where they are. That is how you truly surprise someone in bed.