How to increase your desire for sex

So you want to increase your desire for sex. I often find that my clients seek support for two reasons: their desire for sex is lower than it used to be, or their partner has a stronger desire for sex, and this mismatch in desire for sex is causing issues in the relationship, or maybe it's both. A lot of people come into sessions with a goal to match their partner’s libido. This is often well-intentioned (of course, you want to have a fun and fulfilling sex life that aligns with your partner), but this can be a problematic goal from the start, which I’ll unpack in this article.

Firstly, I want you to ask yourself: why do you want a stronger desire? Who is this stronger desire actually for? What do you want to desire more? Is it penetrative sex? Oral sex? Any kind of physical touch that feels sexual? For instance, you might have a decrease in desire for penetrative sex but want more oral sex. Or maybe you want more solo sex and less partnered sex. Both of these are completely normal. It's also ok if you don't desire sex and don't want to desire sex! You might not feel any distress around your current desire levels, but my guess is that if you are here, reading this article, you probably are.

Some questions to ask yourself to explore why you want to increase desire:

• Is it because your desire was once higher and you want it back?

• Is it because your partner wants more sex?

• Is it because you think everyone else is having more sex than you?

• Is it because books, movies, or fantasies have told you that desire should look a certain way?

Your “why” gives insight into what you should focus on. In a session, this helps guide my work: Do you need education about desire because expectations are unrealistic? Does your partner? Or do we need to explore what’s happening in your life that’s changing your libido?

Why Desire Might Decrease

Here’s a long list of reasons for why someone might have a lower desire for sex:

• Poor mental health

• Pregnancy

• Having become a parent

• Undereating or disordered eating

• Negative body image

• Kids and parenting

• Hating your job

• Stress

• Grieving

• Medications

• Feeling unlike yourself

• Feeling unattractive

• Medical conditions

• Lack of emotional connection with your partner

• Seeing your partner more as a roommate, parent, or friend than a lover

• Not being attracted to your partner anymore

• Not enjoying sex

• Feeling like sex is boring, a chore, or unpleasurable

• Pain during sex

• Feeling “touched out”

• Feeling your partner only wants sex from you

• Your current sex isn’t the type of sex you want

• Feeling too busy to wind down for sex

• Having a never ending to do list

• Desire mismatch with partner’s timing

• Not knowing what turns you on

• Being easily turned off

• Feeling everything has to be perfect to have sex

• Feeling unseen or unheard by your partner

• Expecting desire to be spontaneous

  
  

Maybe one of these resonates with you. Maybe multiple do. Or maybe it’s something outside this list entirely. Take a moment to reflect. All of these are valid reasons for lower desire.

And here’s the important bit: you are not broken. Society makes us feel that if we aren’t having sex all the time, or wanting sex, something is wrong. That’s simply not true. Lower desire can be a sign to look at your life and see what may be interfering. Your desire level may also just be your baseline desire level and that's ok too! Your current desire level does not mean there’s something wrong with you.

Types of Desire

There are two types of sexual desire:

1. Spontaneous desire – can feel like desire arises out of the blue or quickly in response to sexual stimuli or thoughts. Your brain has a thought about sex, and then your body responds with sexual arousal.

2. Responsive desire – appears in response to sexual stimuli or context. Your body needs to build physiological arousal, and then your brain desires sex. You can think of this like being invited to a party. It's the day of, and you are not sure if you want to go. You know if you do it will probably be a lot of fun, but you're asking yourself if you can be bothered, and there are things around the house you could do instead. You decide to go and have a wonderful time and think, 'Why don't I do this more often'? That's responsive desire.

Some people are responsive, some are spontaneous, and some are a mix of both.

Understanding your type of desire can help you work with it, rather than against it.

Why Matching Your Partner’s Libido Is Tricky

Trying to match your partner’s libido is often unrealistic. Society suggests that the person with higher desire is “better” or that you should always match them. It could actually be though that the person with the higher desire is really high and you aren't experiencing low desire, you just can't match where your partner is. So are they researching why their desire is high? Maybe, but I often find it's the person with lower desire sitting in my clinic. A more helpful approach, instead of trying to meet your partner's desire level, is to meet somewhere in the middle.

This may require relationship or sex therapy if low desire is related to relational dynamics. But there are some practical ways to meet in the middle:

• Have sex when the person with lower desire is at their highest—maybe first thing in the morning, or at a low-stress time of day.

• Schedule intimacy if needed. I know it sounds unsexy, but think back to the first month of dating—you were scheduling dates and creating contexts for sex, just without the explicit pressure. You probably had an 'everything shower', wore nice underwear and were anticipating sex during or at the end of the date, but it wasn't necessarily a guarantee. So I want you to think of scheduling intimacy like that, doing something together that connects you and opens the opportunity for sex.

• If you’re the higher-desire partner, masturbate for release or explore solo pleasure.

• Together, explore new ways of experiencing pleasure. This will look different for everyone.

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How to Increase Desire

Increasing desire is complex and depends on why it’s lower in the first place. A holistic approach works best:

• Health: How are you feeling physically? Are you eating, sleeping, and moving in ways that support your wellbeing?

• Mental health: Stress, anxiety, depression, or grief can all affect libido.

• Relationship quality: Are you emotionally connected? Do you feel seen, heard, and valued? Do you feel you can communicate your needs?

• Relationship with your body: Do you feel comfortable, confident, and safe in your body?

• Relationship with pleasure: Are you allowing yourself to enjoy sexual pleasure without judgment?

A sex therapist can guide you through this journey, exploring the unique factors affecting your desire.

If you’d like personalised support with exploring your desire and enhancing your libido, you can book a session with me at The Sexual Wellness Centre. I work with individuals and couples to improve sexual wellbeing, pleasure, and connection in ways that are tailored specifically to you.